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I tried acting like a responsible adult at work all day yesterday but they sent me home sick 
I'm not talking about Facebook, I want to know how to block you in real life.
Remember, there are two ways to order a Filly Sandwich now. Thanks Horse Killers for the options.
You know you are useless when no one is ever scared of losing you.
I wonder what Jesus said when Judas "Unfollowed" Him?
What's the difference between a woman and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
The passing out bit and the snoring is actually part of it, so yeah, a man's org@sm is so much longer than a woman's.
Why do people think you'll remember somebody if they say the name twice? "You remember Dave?".. "Dave who?".. "Dave, Dave."
When someone gives you their futon, they are basically saying "you should sleep where my girlfriend got pregnant by some other dude".
A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless that medicine is insulin.
If your parents are cannibals, the "got your nose" game is deadly serious.
Best 6 word combination in the history of mankind: Chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwiches.
My dog was howling, so I mooned her.
Stealing African children from their beds, mutilating their appearance against there will..... Madonna
Sexual pleasure (When done right) is a passion to which all others are subordinate, but in which they all unite.
For me, the sexiest part of a woman is her mind coz that's where she decides if she's going to have sex with you or not.
You're fat because you have a slow metabolism and a fast appetite!!!
New Crayola colors... Aereola Pink, Ball Vein Blue, Puckered Sphincter Brown. They figured after watching Ky intense and extenze commercials, anything goes.
"Pearl Jam" is my finishing move
When I dance it looks like a baby covered in baby oil is constantly slipping out of my hands and I'm catching it. 