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WTF is with all the American Girl dolls on ebays deal of the day.... This isn't christmas mother fcukers 
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone. - alcohol
I've decided to become a Veterinarian and a taxidermist so no matter what, you'll get your dog back.
Its like my liver has no idea what's about to happen.
I wanna open a store where you can touch expensive things you'll never afford and call it "Feel Free".
Jerry jones was seen giving Tony Romo the heinlick maneuver in the lock room after the game Sunday
I lost 50 lbs of ugly fat with photoshop.
No you're mom was so last Friday night...
What if I'm awake? The answer might be outside the "door".
funny jokes must be a Monday thru Friday job. zzzz
PS4? Pshhhhh…. When I was a kid I had to blow into my video games to get them to work.
A guy gets out of the shower and and says to his wife, "So what do you think of this?" She says, "You're like a country breakfast." "Oh yeah, how so?" She says, "Fat belly 2 eggs and sausage."
Have sex a bunch of times and suddenly you're expected to "answer her calls" and "act like you know her in public". Women are so confusing.
Poor Duane will have to Wade till next year.
My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
doing push ups with my tongue.
A bunch of old dudes-Rat Pack. A bunch of middle aged dudes- Brat Pack. A bunch of teenage dudes- Whack Pack
Well, I wouldn't exactly go so far as to say NO diggity...
Just changed my iTunes password to "password".... and now I just have to wait for all of my nudes to be leaked.
sex addict is someone who likes to have sex, just like everyone. their condition is called being alive. 