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I just told a women she had an Hour Glass shape and I wanted to play in the sand.. Still single.....:( 
I may not be the richest guy...or the smartest guy...or the funniest guy...or the best-looking guy...or the .....:( Forget it, now I'm depressed.
Dick Cheney underwent a heart transplant operation??? Wow! That proves he did have heart in the first place...
worst pain ever!.... just slipped, did the splits, and ripped my gooch!
I'm going to change my name on facebook to 'NOBODY' so that anytime I see any boring status I will 'LIKE' it. It'll say 'NOBODY LIKES THIS'
Dear Phone, Maybe if you didn`t light up and beep so many damn times telling me you had a low battery, you wouldn`t have run out of power so quickly!
I am not a gynecologist, but I will give you some Frontline for that.
I guess between Oprah interviews and looking for his birth certificate the President came up with a strategy to find Bin Laden. Good Job :p
my new workout plan is P69X!
You can walk out that door and keep on walking... Because you never shut up and you're always talking.
I should have yelled "timberrrr" before I dropped that log 💩
ALSO FACT: You eat 28 spiders in your lifetime... Always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
I don't know about yours but my news feed is starting to look like there's a big game coming up between the south and the skittles factory.
Relationship status - Ronda Rousey
So Bruce Jenner heard the woman gets everything in the divorce he showed her and became one too.
I love my women like I love my Keurig coffee, disposable after a single use.
Kids: Never tell a stranger where you live. Give them your neighbor's address and watch what happens.
My stock in Johnny Walker is through the roof!!!
With the way the humam species treats each other, can we blame God for being vengeful?
Whoever cast J-Lo in the movie "Anaconda" was a genius because anacondas don't want none unless you got buns, hun. 