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im feeling so empty.. (after pooping) 
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
I once dated someone who told me she was "bi". Every time I mentioned sex, she said "Bye!"
Showed up late for work and blamed it on rush hour. Showed up late again the next day and blamed it on rush hour 2.
I've spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can't find his nuggets.
Relationship status: Please? I am rich.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I have a very clever way with words. You could say I'm a cunning linguist.
To this day, the girl who used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, she makes great Subway sandwiches
I want to be the reason that you can never look at mayonnaise the same way ever again.
My dentist told me I need a crown I was like..pfft! I know right should've been given one years ago.
They say you should reach for the stars, but I find you get a lot more done if you reach for a stick
Maybe......Obama can put his government shutdown barricades up in federal waters and block Tropical Storm Karen!?!?
If a Porsche is next to me at a stop light, I'll tell the driver his brake lights are out even when they're not.
A lady in the streets and a lady in the sheets and a lady in the basement and a lady in the shed. This crime scene is awful
Would you like a table?" "No not at all, I came to the restaurant to eat on the ground. Carpet for 5 please"
Just shut up already. If I wanted to hear your opinion all the time I would have married you !
SPOILER ALERT!!! Trent Richardson's sex tape is acually a series of tapes which average less than 2.9 minutes. Trent never busts a long one and he often struggles to find the hole.
The founder of McAfee Anti-Virus running away from the Law? Maybe Norton can detect him better!
I went to the store to buy a Hallmark card that says " So sorry you are unemployed and homeless" I am crossing my fingers that you get your house back, sue the bank and never have to work again. 