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I attended my 35 year rerunion last night. I didn't walk into the ladies room, spill a drink on anyone, walk into a wall, or offer my lap to a stranger. I'm really starting to grow up ..... and its a little sad. 
Thanks a lot Martin Luther my new LED toenail clippers won't be delivered tomorrow...
I'm giving up organized religion for Lent.
We are the knights who say ‘Ni!
Most mothers feed their babies with little spoons and forks. What do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Wen I say "ladies first" to a girl I just wanna look at her ass. The point is I never say "ladies first" to skinny assless girls.
Go ahead, keep making fun of millennials but you are gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Anyone knows where I can get some decaffeinated Nambian Covfefe? It's made with 100% confussion.
Tic toc tic toc tic toc it will soon be MULLER TIME
The Only Sabbath that matters is Black !
Just saw a cop pull over a UHaul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
Do white supremacists shop on Black Friday?
Patriots are going to the Superbowl....The NFL is going to assign someone to check Tom Brady's balls throughout the game....don't want that on my resume
if H( . ) ( . )ters were to become a door to door service... I hope they have to change their name to Kn( . ) ( . )ckers...
The microwave sent those nudes, not me.
It's offically summer when white girls start counting the days until pumpkin lattes return to Starbucks.
Iceland knocked out Britain out of Euro 2016 soccer. This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to England since Brexit last Thursday.
IS says is America elects Hillary the will donate $2 million to the Clinton Foundation and have Bill speak at their next function for another million.
"Siri, what are the side effects of Marijuana?" I mumble into a Hershey's bar
set fire to the preacher who is promising us hell 