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Canadian Bacon is just like regular bacon, but it apologizie all the time about not being regular bacon. 
She tried to make me leave the house without my phone charger and that's when I called the cops.
I've seen several post fight interviews with Floyd Mayweather. I beez wish Mayweather cud beez talking in da propers englis that literates speaks wif. That said. I won't his cash.
What's the best frosting for urinal cakes?
So I thought about asking the love of my life to marry me. Chicken Parmesan. . .
How much for the erotica kit? Sir, that's a package of bacon.
Some people say I’m condescending, which of course means I look down on people.
I wash my hands BEFORE I pee because my hands are dirty not my wiener
By the time someone says "long story short" it's already too long.
the private sector is doing fine.
I think all these Jokes about Kony are like his army... Childish.
Get 10 Parmesan Bread Bites for a buck when you order 2 pizzas for 5.99...we can do this cause our pizza's $uck.
not wearing any green! Watcha gonna do?!
I'm sooo tired I spent all night reenacting scenes from Platoon with Charlie Sheen
My friend complained that the place she's housesitting didn't have a corkscrew, but I found it in .02 seconds, for I...am a Booze Whisperer.
Just once I'd like to be able to say that my sound is laid down by the Underground and really mean it. Do you ever get that way?
I once wrote a book on penguins.With hindsight, I realise that paper would have been easier.
I'll be the spark & you'll be the fire. Come burn with me on a bed of desire.
To the man that went the Block Buster store ?? Did you kick in the plywood around the windows or did Wayne Huizenga give you a key ??
The first present I opened this Christmas was a pen knife. I was so excited, I used it to cut open all my other presents. Shame about the puppy. 