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Today I say a girl riding her bike, I thought to myself what is she doing shouldn't she be in the kitchen? 
The only reason I want the Bears to win today is so that I can watch them lose in the Super Bowl.
busy Saving Humanity from the Evil Decepticons
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
I found out that Rudy Giuliani was married to his cousin for 14 years. It all makes sense now.
Don't know why the wife gets so disgusted when I go to the bathroom in the shower.If you step on it a few times it won't clog the drain.
At last a new pedophile, sorry I mean Pope has been elected.
What's Obama's last name again?. I always forget
Saw a teenager today and I couldn't figure out if it was a boy or a girl. That's our future. Still jerked off to it though.
I personally do not care if the Toyota's are made in my basement….it is still a Toyota. Toyota is not an American company.
if it wasn't for the USA all you hosers up there in Canada would be speaking Russian right now...But it was a hell of a game!
Today's Email: "I moved Bush's new memoir to the crime section at my bookstore".
I donate .05 cents a day to a local charity. That way whenever someone tells me how great there day was I can say "Yeah, well I donated to charity"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I don't intoxicated and delusional. I get drunk and confident.
features more cowbell than legally allowed in seven countries
Lord, please place one hand over my shoulder and the other over my mouth when I'm drunk...thank you...
I just overheard someone use the phrase, "I don't have all day." I'm sitting here thinking, "How could you not have all day? We all get the same 24 hours, dont we?"
want to work 2 dayz & get 5 dayz off....and get da same pay :D
Sex is a Misdermeaner. The more I miss, der meaner I get! 