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facebook went down...so I had sex, ate a sandwich and VIOLA! its back! Luck of the Irish! 
9x - 7i > 3(3x - 7u) = ? (see comment for answer)
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
thinks Sesame Street should keep Katy Perry and ban Elmo.
Me: Did it hurt? Girl says: What, when I fell out of heaven? Me: No, when you got kicked out of hell for being too hotttt!!
I was born a pessimist. My blood type is B negative.
welcome to britain, where men are men and women are slags!
awake and sober...WTF?
wants to do something different today so is thinking about sitting on the TV to watch the sofa!!!
Writing. Like. This. Doesn't. Make. Your. Point. Any. Stronger. It. Makes. It. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma.
WTF! I was about to drink my vodka but it started screaming so I stopped and asked "what's wrong?", it said "you forgot to post a pic of me on your Facebook wall" and slapped me!
Whether you celebrate Wanksgiving, Yanksgiving, or Spanksgiving be thankful for your hand.
Apparently one of those 3 wishes he got from "Jeanie" didn't include livong forever....RIP Larry Hagman
I can't believe people have nerve enough to still be shooting fireworks. They almost caught my Christmas lawn decorations on fire.
Heard about the Blonde terrorist who tried to blow up a bus? She burned her lips on the exhaust pipe.
g ay athletes are nothing new. Why do you think they call the LPGA "dykes with spikes"??
I ran out of deodorant this morning, so I spritzed on some windex. Now birds keep crashing into my armpits :(
Two F-words rednecks can't stand: Fire & Fury.
Wonder Woman earned $300 million worldwide in its first week. "Wonder Man" earned $400 million for doing the same job.
Bl@ck History Month reminds us that peanut butter was invented by a bl@ck guy... One can only assume "Chunky" was in reference to his white girlfriend. 