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Never trust a woman who takes pictures from the neck up. 
The lady in front of me sped up so I did too, she began running so I ran too, she screamed so I screamed as well. I never even saw what we were running from.
I can't wait for the MLB all star game!! Said, no one ever...
Coffee, you're on the bench. Alcohol, suit up.
If she's not flexible, she's not textible.
People that can sleep with their clothes on are the real psychos.
Did you know that the spams you receive are from your stalkers?! I hate stalkers!
"Let's rock out for skin cancer awareness with Ms. Sheryl Crow!" "YAAAY!!" "I wanna soak up the suuuuun...!" "BOOOO!!"
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
Maybe women would be happier on their periods if someone invented tampons that vibrate..
"Kim you're a pretty bride and all, but Beyonce would look better... " (The fear of hearing this is why Beyonce just turned down Kim Kardashian's request that she'd be one of the bridesmaids)
Wanted to take the trash out tonight but she said she wasn't feeling well.
There's no I in team, but there a P in punch you in the mouth.
going to Hobby Lobby to hand out free contraceptives to women. Maybe I'll get lucky...
first snow fall of the year I am initiating a naked snow angel challenge to raise awareness of challenges that raise awareness.
Come on #Chevy just one commercial break without Kid Rock
seeing the ice bucket challenge videos are over maybe we should raise awareness for Parkinson's by doing harlem shake videos.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous and six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Anxiety is your brain reminding you that you are a wussy.
I want to become a Human smuggler and I want my code name to be Mister Smuggleuffigus . 