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Before you are kind to strangers you must be just. 
May I have your attention please. May I have your attention. Will all Bernie supporters form a SINGLE FILE line and follow Chet Lemming to the safe place room. Please move QUIETLY
Me: I can't believe Sarah Jessica Parker is going for Olympic gold at her age... Wife: Ummmm,,, You're watching Equestrian dressage.
Sometimes when I'm too tired to walk I use my farts to propel me around all day like a jet pack.
Bartender on the phone. "Oh, ,hey.." Sees a priest, a rabbi, and a horse walk in " dude, let me call you back. This is going to be amazing"
2016 is awesome!!! Just checked an app to see if a package was delivered to my door yet. I'm on the couch, the door is 5 feet away.
My No 1 Resolution for 2020.. Only eat white snow.
What is Forrest Gump's password? 1Forrest1
Last night I saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.
Why do people post things like "my little baby died", playing on your sympathy, and it turns out to be a frigging goldfish.
I fell in love with a female electrician. …She was a real live wire and I took her ohm with me.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
As a non-smoker, "Thank You for Not Smoking" signs make me want to be thanked for other sh!t I'm not doing.
Drag my name through the mud and I will still come out clean.
The Internet is the world's greatest source of things you don't really need.
They say that this planet is another world's hell. I don't know WTF I did but I'm Sorry!!!
It's not that I hate mornings. It's just that I'd wish they'd happen without me.
When Charlie Sheen said he had Tiger blood, he meant that he had been sleeping with hookers and his ex-wife caught him.
OK...it is very important that when it is time to set your clocks ahead to make sure someone didn't already do it before you got there...it's been a long day already
Leprechauns, castles, good luck and laughter. Lullabies, dreams and love ever after. A thousand welcomes when anyone comes... That's the Irish for You! 