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Super-Sorry to the family I choked out at the laundromat this a.m. I thought you all stole my beige sock. Just found it in car! 
statistics show that 97 % of dead people will stop posting statuses.
Anyone care to tell me 1) Why, when brushing my teeth, I raise my eyebrows AS FAR AS THEY WILL GO? And 2) How long has this been going on?
Just saw Steven Tyler in a Burger King commercial... There's no punchline. That in itself is funny.
Sex is like high school...you miss a period and you're in trouble.
Oh act like you never bullied someone in school.
you're an overweight female who wears Yoga Pants everyday? Please continue to do so, I love throwing up in my mouth
When will women understand that pouting and doing the duck-face is not sexy at all? Oh and include acting dumb on that list.
Stop adding people you don't know on Facebook as your “friends”. Friends aren't Pokemon cards, you can't collect them all!
feeling as sprightly today as Jimi Hendrix... or anyone else who has been dead for 40 years.
If I could go back in time I would be playing recieve with your mom!
Making girls who "aren't like that," like that. All Day, Every day.
if they are cheating, they won't tell you they're cheating. If they aren't cheating, they won't tell you they are cheating. So you'll hear either, “I'm not cheating,” or “I'm not cheating.”
Dear Santa, I've been really good today, so lets focus on that!
Whats the difference between you and a hippo? One is fat, lazy, ugly, disgusting, smelly, and weird .......then there's the hippo
You know why cowboys wear big buckles? It's a tombstone for a dead prick !
Put a condom on your heart & f$ck your feelings.
The lump of coal I received this year was of exceptional quality, 9,326,423 years ago was a fine vintage year
Nothing says dumba$$ like re-gifting someone a gift they gave you.
Ryan Seacrest owns a $6000 toilet & Van Gogh sold 3 paintings in his entire lifetime. Any questions?
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