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How To Get Rich: 1. Place a Swear Jar next to Samuel L Jackson...2. Empty it the next day.... 3. Become a millionaire. 
can you just let us believe in who we want to.. quit trying to convince us otherwise
Just spilled an entire beer in the shower. -viewing today from 6 to 8.
My work as a suicide counselor was short-lived.
I'd like to have another child one day. Two days, maximum.
HER: You smell good...what are you wearing? ME: Weed.
Bob didn't know the meaning of the word surrender. Nor could he spell it. Signing up for the Spelling Bee to meet girls had been a mistake.
Thre is a special place in hell for people who put ice cubes in wine.
If you're last name is Walker and you aren't a Texas ranger, I'll assume you have disgraced your family by choosing another profession.
I accidentally OD'd on Viagra. Man, that was a hard night!
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Also beer. Which is why I always drink beer when I'm revenging.
I'm sexually frustrated and emotionally unavailable so get at me ladies.
Black girls can easily commit a crime and get away with it becuase the forensic unit would find hair at the crime scene and trace it back to Brazil!
"My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other's..." (silence) (silence) *Russian accent* "You give me Green Card now, yes?"
float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, squeak like a rat, swim like a dolphin,,, welcome to the shapeshifter club, please turn into a seat
Don't have phone sex...or you might get hearing aids
Prison football teams seam to have a difficult time finding a person qualified to play tight end.
I just got a job in a reggae band playing the triangle, I just stand at the back n ting
A fool always rushes to the front row.
It's 2013 and I'm pretty disappointed that scientists have yet to introduce bbq or cool ranch alternatives to our plain salt-flavored tears 