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skinny genes... 
I'd love to be a lifeguard at the gene pool. I'd let a few of them drown.
Used the local gas station toilet today, when I walked in someone in the stall muttered "Release the Kracken"...well played creepy homeless guy...well played.
wonders if the fake Irish accents on the Irish Spring commercials can sound anymore bogus , I've met a lot of people from Ireland and NONE of hem talked like that
If you want proof that one person can make a difference, punch a stranger in the face.
Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and suck forever.
It's Topless Tuesday night! Woot!
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks....
it's funny how the ;) can make anything seem dirty................
-19 degrees tonight…I'd hate to be a sweaty stripper…
" why is there no edit option on facebook" .. like the whole world never makes a typo ?
asked to leave from a house party for being to rowdy. Solution.....I asked to use the bathroom and upperdecked their toilet.
My wife was in the passenger seat looking at a map before she asked me what was the quickest way to get to the hospital. "Swap seats" I replied.
As I sit here eating Cheerios out of a plastic bowl, it makes me miss my kids in their toddler years. I think I'll get a High-Chair and make them eat dinner in it. I hope the weight limit is higher than 150lbs. Teenagers weigh a lot.
I wish it was my job to sit around laughing at statuses all day. Actually, he is unaware, but that's what my boss is paying me to do anyway.
Who would in a fight between Walker, Texas Ranger and Lone Wolf McQuade?
I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.
What all do I want on my 5 dollar footlong you ask? Let's just say I want you to have to sit on it like a suitcase to get it to closed when you're done.
they need full length mirrors at the self-checkout line in the grocery store
I'm not overconfident. My low self-esteem is at an all-time high! 