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There is a thin line between 911 and 9/11. 
Fat people are harder to kidnap.
finally as many Tour De France titles has Lance Armstrong!
Friday the 13th is such a bunch of crap..... hang on, going to go see what this guy in a hockey mask wants at the door.... it's not even hockey season, what an idiot.... brb
If by girlfriend material you mean lying on the couch in my undies, shoving nutella in my mouth and smoking pot I guess I'm your girl.
"never on schedule, but always on time." via Retro Status Generator
I wld rather staple my eyelids to my a☆☆hole...than have to listen to you talk about your bullsh☆t problems! ツ
Don't you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn't want to know? I hate that.. Anyway, I'll cut this short cause,, I gotta go poop.
You are not a "stay at home mom". If you were, then that means you never leave the house. Just say you are an unemployed mom. That makes sense and its not an insult.
Facebook is like the fridge...you go and open the fridge for something to eat, nothing looks good. Then five minutes later go back hoping somethings changed...
Rihanna's IQ is 117. Can you beat that? Chris Brown can!
My wife's leaving me because of my obsession with Africa. Kenya believe that? Ghana be a messy divorce.
Bon Jovi, everyone! ~ me on my first day in French class.
Somewhere in the world a stripper is having a mental breakdown on the pole...... HAPPY FATHERS DAY!
BEST GAMER PICK UP LINE: You turn my software into hardware.
When my doctor is checking my balls for a physical I run my fingers through her hair. Makes it less embarrassing...
i don't know much about politics...but what's with this ohio cactus thing?
I don't understand why people don't see the beauty in asthma attacks, Personally, I find them breathtaking.
i wish my grades smoked weed, so they would get higher
I love to use the holidays as an excuse to gift, re-gift and de-gift meaningless merchandise.....I wonder if that would qualify me as an "Indian Gifter"? ツ 