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If you have no love to be thankful for, at least be thankful for all those bullets you dodged. 
My life's great I'm just missing that significant other
The wind is proper whipping it up out there, guess I won't be taking the broom out for a spin tonight
Idea: one of those "[X] days without an accident" signs but for embarrassing text messages
I think The Grinch and Oscar the Grouch were seperated at birth.
My wife likes it when I call her during the day just say hi so I'm face-timing her from the mens room!
Why do these guys with premature ejaculation problems just come out of nowhere.
Woke up - no Christmas gifts. I guess we all know which list Santa put me on.
Money is not yours until you spend it.
I can't believe Walmart already has Valentine's Day stuff out. which reminds me.. I need to lose my girlfriend soon
We all have that one friend we used to do all sorts of crazy stuff with but they suddenly flipped the script and became a born again Christian and now feel awkward hanging out with them because we don’t know what to talk about.
When are they gonna start smoking marijuana?
Only Peyton can still set Super Bowl record while team is behind a hundred points
I know how the North won the Civil War - They used snow machines....
Happy unimaginative, consumerist-oriented and entirely arbitrary, manipulative and shallow interpretation of romance day.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like "oh"
When I'm down to my last bit of weed, I like to take my time and savor the thought of who will be my first stabbing victim.
Time Management training? I can't go to that. I'm too busy!
I wonder if the receptionist at the sperm bank has ever used this phrase, "Thanks for coming"....
SON: There's a monster under my bed... ME: That's monsters' name is Mark, he lives there now... SON: Wha????... ME: times are tough, we need the cash... MARK: I'm trying to sleep
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