Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose…and a panther. -Dwight Schrute

   Never take failure to your heart and success to your mind.

   This census and Tax stuff is crap. I want to live in a country that doesn't assign homework.

   wondering why buy grapes with seeds when the convenience of a seedless grape is right there

   i didnt realize how many amatuer meteorologist friends I have on facebook thanks for the 112 updates and photos of the floods ;)

   Its not insomnia. I choose to be awake.

   When I turn around, people throw me a welcome back party.

   I was singing Rihanna's new song last night when my wife was in the room.... Lesson learned... Sticks and stones might not hurt.... But whips and chains do...

   on reflection... I'm glad I decided not to go through with My April Fools' Day prank with Airport Security yesterday

   What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician? A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!

   believes saying "hi" with a big smile can brighten anyone's day - even those who give you the middle finger for cutting them off in traffic.

   I just witnessed a beer tub get carried away on a stretcher...

   After seeing Iggy Pop perform on American Idol, Steven Tyler is probably thinking I'm going home and eating a sandwich.

   It's already making plans for Sunday...just in case I survive!

   i love the people who say their company is priceless!!.. to me if it lacks a price, it more likely worthless!!

   about to play with all the big, cute doggys at the police station

   Everything you do is fine. Anything I do is a crime.

   I wake up every morning and thank God I don't look like Rick Ross.

   Oh great....I just heard a satellite the size of a bus is expected to crash somewhere on earth tomorrow. Wear a hat!!

   I want you......I need you......to gouge my freakin eyes out if I'm ever forced to watch Nancy Grace trying to dance sexy again.