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Did you know that if you say the word "gullible" slow enough it sounds just like you said "Cantelope". 
I tried making some rabbit stew this past weekend, but my wife complained that there was a hare in it.
If I can hear you chew I have fantasized about your death.
"I'm riding the struggle bus today." - A 3 year old trying to do a puzzle
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing....except when you're at a funeral.
.... Told the wife that next long weekend I'm gonna actually get off the couch and take those Christmas lights down. Unless I see a spider then the whole things off.
I want a President I can do mushrooms with.
90 per cent of my job as a lawyer is being asked to help a friend of a friend's cousin get out of parking tickets.
I was going through a tough time ..... then I opened my eyes .... then there was you :-)
"I wasn't that drunk!".... "Dude, you were asking my cat about the weather!"
I always thought my adult life would include more impromptu sing-alongs.
I hate when I'm on a date and she's driving and I tell her I have to use the men's room and could she stop at a gas station she says, "You should've gone at home. Too bad. Hold it in."
Always onclude specific instructions for handling your remains in your Will. Do you want them poured out during the final drop of Splash Mountain or along the entire ride?
Pro Tip: SPF 50 repels anyone over the age of 50.
I'm going to have a salad for dinner. And by that I mean a bowl of ranch dressing and a beer.
I am just here spooning my girlfriend out of her container. Eating Ice cream
My internet goes out more than I do
I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you
Coworker: OK, stop me if you've heard this one before. Me: Stop.
I see you trying to win me over and raise you a wall 