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There is a fine line between confidence, and arrogance. I walk that line when I'm drunk, swaying from side to side. 
It's not easy being drunk all the time. Everyone would do it if it were easy.
Well, the body scanner at the airport triggered them to search me in 3 areas.. My chest, my ass and my right front pocket area... Guess the gym is paying off.
I wish everyone would please stop confusing my issues.
When my ex left me I developed an Underground Railroad to sneak into her basement and watch Netflix
Why waste money on a shrink when I can just watch the dog whisperer and get cured for free.
I am outraged that corporate media would air that thing they desperately wanted me to be outraged about!
All these survival TV shows are really helping thin the herd!!
OK Mayan's you missed out on these "END of world" predictions don't worry it's not like there is no tomorrow!!!!
i hate it when people say two wrongs don't make a right. A right and a wrong don't make a right either.
If I were a cop, I'd get a badge tattooed on one of my buttcheeks and press it on the window of anybody I pulled over.
Tesco's Quarter Pounders. AKA Trigger burgers. You could see the marks where the jockey was hitting it.
i found a sexy person who I love very much.... it's a shame i'm not allowed to marry myself
Guys, I heard this crazy myth that there are people who don't hate themselves after every meal. Is this true?
I've got tickets to see that new Irish rapper. Jay Zus
Okay ladies, these charges aren't going to press themselves...
The easiest person to make fun of is me... But also that guy at Sam's Club who was stalking the corn dog samples. Oh wait....... Also me. Carry on
Q: What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair? A: Artifical Intelligence
So I'm listening to Pandora today, and I think I heard the most fitting name for a techno song that was on... called "This Is Acid"
finds it interesting that the word "palindrome" is not a palindrome.. 