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Next year i'm definitely going to do the Haunted Mill run because if you say it with a strong accent it sounds like you're saying "hundred mile run" 
The only thing in the world you can do with a nick-nack paddy-whack is give a dog a bone.
ER nurses lose their patience with "I thought it would be funny" after they've heard it four times from one person.
Finally tossed the old rotary phone. So now I won’t have anything to use for a mafia beat down in 1973.
(Giving TED talk) Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!... *he does and a mousetrap snaps on his hand*... Me: trust no one *audience claps*
A wife is like a box of chocolates, you never know which of her multiple moods you're going to get, you just better act like you love it.
My doctor said he's been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?
They should put bumpers on the roads when women are driving like they do for kids at bowling alleys
Why get thinner when you can get more dinner?
I just realized the most exciting part of playing Monopoly is picking the token.
my stocks plumeth again.....can I get a welfare check?....
I'll call and report my car as stolen before I admit that I forgot where I parked it.
Taking a bullet for someone is nothing. Take a nuclear warhead to the chest, now that's impressive....
Verizon guy: Your new phone is water resistant. Me: Oh, good. Cuz I cry a lot.
Ya know, that damn commercial lies! I spent 3 hrs yelling out my window "Its MY money and I want it now!!" Only thing I got was ticket for disturbing the peace!
Not very happy with my new microphone but I'll hang on to it in case I ever want to make a video that sounds like I'm at the bottom of a well shouting into an empty beer can.
Damn ... guess yet again I bought all of those Jumbo sized condoms for nothing!! Oh well ... Looks like i'm having another big post Valentines day Water Balloon drop off my balcony tomorrow.
I don't eat a high fiber diet to be healthier, I eat so I'll have to spend more time in the s#*tter at work.
The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit
I ate all my meals today without using a single utensil 