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"Hi, one ticket for 'The Social Network,' please." 
what a lame bar...the drinks are weak, the mucis sucks, and all the women are like "I'm busy", "What do you want?", or "this is pottery class, sir!"...jeeze...
My dog can lick his own balls. Seriously, I don't care how many times he makes those puppy dog eyes at me.
Be patient girls, Cinderella didn't find her Prince Charming till the end.
Have you ever seen a Duck eat a Tiger? Watch ESPN Monday night.....
Confucius say, "Elevator smell different to midget."
Forgive me father, for I like sin.
Just bought an actual CD, then put on my bonnet and churned the rest of the butter before Pa got back from the silversmith
If you urinate in a pair of swim goggles and strap them to your face you won't need Instagram anymore....... next question
170.6 Adam and Eve: The first people to not read the Apple terms and conditions.
How fat was she?She needed a hairdresser for each armpit.
You're like hot chocolate and I'm marshmallows; Because you're hot and I wanna be on top of you.
My pen!s is so polite, it stands up so girls have a place to sit down.
that old woman walking around with the trophy is killing me lol wonder if she even knows whats going on, or if she just smiling cause she went number 2...
I'm sorry if you cant understand, but I need a Radio inside my hand!!!
I love God. I just don't like the peope who work for him.
I am going to only talk like a gangster from the 1940s starting right now. See?
I discovered today that when a police officer says, "Ma'am, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?", you should never respond with "Officer, your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?".
It's sad to see that two close people don't recognize each other anymore. Not because they grew up but because they grew apart.
Much to my dismay, chocolate labs aren't quite as delicious as one might think ツ 