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learned not to leave the KY next to the Preparation H on the bedside table. When they say it shrinks the swelling...they AREN'T kidding!! Talk about a buzzkill! 
Once in a while, engage in random acts of kindness. It scares the hell out of your enemies!
messing with the new intern's mind and telling her to go pretend to water the fake plants...
So if the Mayans are right, does that mean this is the last Christmas to be visited by the Ghost of Christmas Future?
If a real fat man grabs you & throws you in a bag don't panic it's just santa collecting his ho's. I'm updating this in the bag. Bring alcohol!
My South Beach diet says no alcohol: I figure it like this wine is made from fruit, brandy is distilled wine, Gin is made from juniper berries and beer and whiskey are also made out of wholesome grains. Got to be healthy, bottoms up!
I have two Italian grandmothers..I am impervious to guilt.
2.I've given up the search for reality; now I'm just looking for a good fantasy.
I often wonder if the passive-aggressive Facebook status updates of others are aimed at me.
Dear FB users, quit using lower case i's and quit putting them right in front (with no space) of the next consonant....it's not cute anymore.
I'll make you swallow your pride!!
The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.
fc%ed up like a screen door on a submarine..
Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language.
Hey did everyone hear that Jeff reed tried to commit suicide? Pretty sad huh? Yeah... He tried to kick the stool out from under himself and missed...LOL!!
TSA reports an huge increase in job applications submitted to the Miami office.
The future of TSA, ma'am bend over, spread your cheeks, cough!
My vacuum cleaner bag says to change every 30-60 days. Here, I always thought it was 30-60lbs...
Mother Nature is blowing everyone tonight.
you can easily geta smartphone these days but hard to find smart people. 