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You know da day is off to a bad start when you realize you put your dirty socks in the toaster, two slices of bread in the toilet and peed in the laundry hamper. 
Who are the fallen soldiers more mad at (1) Football players who take a knee or (2) A sellout who hands over the presidency of America to Russian control?
Why do banks attach chains to their pens? If I'm trusting you with my money, you should trust me with your pens.
there are 70 ways to make a woman happy: No.1 is shopping & the rest is '69'. Its that simple! :)
My Love is Like Hell! My Family is like Heaven, My Friends are the Best, & I'm Completely Drunk!
I wanted a good suit for a job interview. The missus said"Why don't you borrow the suit your dad wore at the funeral last week?" It really was a good suit, so I grabbed a shovel,headed for the graveyard and........
why did helen kellers dog run away?... you would too if your name was hhemirnemingefle
Going to create a new social networking site called Myface because it would be hilarious to hear someone say, "Have you been on myface today?"
Brady had 3 ring by the time tebow was 16
You know you are in love with a guy when you think about having sex with him.
I figured out what Obama was talking about when he said there is going to be CHANGE.It's all we have left to carry in our front pocket when he is done taking his part !!!!
never fully dressed without a smile!
wishing your network didn't extend to her
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get divorced I keep the house.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."
I really want to meet yo mamma! She sounds pretty fat...
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me -- they were cramming for their finals!
takes the "THE" out of psychotherapist...
All we need to survive is, one person who truly loves us
No man succeeds without a good woman behind him. Wife or mother, if it is both, he is twice blessed indeed 