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If you play your cards right, she'll want you to poker. 
You know you've had a bad day when you die.
Babies never smile in their pictures. Why are they so pissed???
I really miss childhood. You know, sometimes I pee on my bed just to remember what it's like.
waiter: "what would you like to drink?" me: "тнє вℓσσ∂ σƒ му єηємιєѕ" waiter:... me:... waiter:... me:... waiter:... me:... waiter: "is pepsi okay?"
I'd rather shave my crotch with an AIDS infested razor I got from a hobo than befriend your dog on Facebook.
Why can't a pony sing? ............Because it's a little horse.
Willie Nelson got hit by a car yesterday. He was playing "On the Road Again".
I don't do the "walk if shame", I do the "stride if pride!"
I would put a webcam in my shower to make extra money, but I would hate having to only sing public domain songs.
I just wish Justin Bieber was around when Michael Jackson was in his prime.
My feelings?... I wont tell you. I don't want you to hurt them...
@nal is completely unnatural...unless I'm doing it to a girl.
My wife is so hot, I really hope I get to have sex with her someday
Never hold your nose and cover your mouth while sneezing as it can blow out your eyeballs.
"I'm still writing 2012 on all my Czechs." -Guy who likes writing on people from Central Europe
9 year old girl in boys football league with 232 carries, ran for 1,911 yards, 35 tds, and 65 tackles?! WTF?! Young lady is an inspiration!!! Never let society limit your dreams!!!
My friend wanted to use my apartment to clone himself,,, I said “Please, make yourself at home”
John Travolta's closet is full of dild0s, skeletons, and himself.
I eat every meal like I'm going to be deported to Africa the next day or something. 