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A coworker stopped by to inform me she had lost 30 pounds. As I watched her walk away I realize I had just found the 30 pounds. 
I got a call from a guy who said that I should stock up on water, batteries, canned goods, candles and a generator. I said, "Done, thank you. I'm ready for Hurricane Isaias." He said, "No, this is your financial advisor."
Well, Dwayne Johnson has COVID. Coronavirus really hit Rock Bottom.
Men must have ex 22 times a month in order to not be a risk of prostate problems
Twisted Tea is the new Can of Whoop-ass.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
It snowed in Texas for the first time ever. That's cold.
My wife and I broke because of my gambling...... I hit the lottery and left her.
To the person who stole my diet pills, you have nothing to gain.
[at a funeral] What happens to his leftover meds?
Having a bad day?? You could be a siamese twin attached to a gay brother who has a date and your the only one with an ass!
I can't believe that Ariana and Pete broke up! And also that worldwide climate catastrophe is imminent!
There's a further south than South America?
Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells.
If anybody knows any lonely old people preparing to eat Christmas dinner alone? Please let me know as I need to borrow some chairs!
Once again those were not booes. They were alternative cheers.
I don't understand why tan suits enrages people. Maybe, I'm too sane to understand it.
The Go-Go's are bringing a vegetable to tonight's dinner party. They said, "We got the beet."
Can't decide between joining the US military, or opening a musical instrument store. I'm stuck between Iraq and a harp place.
I was at the park flying my kite and this guy came up to me and said "You flying a kite?" I replied "Nah I'm fishing for birds"
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