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Facebook should have a limit on how many selfies you can post in a day... 
A Youtube wet t-shirt contest to benefit ALS... I bet the breast cancer marketers wish they had thought of that one...
Can I have your cyber-attention please ?
Government responses: Ferguson: lets hope for the best ISIS: we'll def look into it Nude Pics Leak: THE FBI WILL BRING DOWN THESE TERRORISTS
How much for that babysitter? Ma'am, that's a roll of duct tape I'll take it!
*Shows up to salsa lessons with Tostitos* Haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Maybe men wouldn't have such a low tolerance for pain if women didn't have such a low tolerance for men in pain...
Well as tomorrow approaches, November 1st. I can start growing my taint hair for "No Shave November." Will you notice?
Hey Rob Lowe,,, You should have called,,,, I would have loaned you a couple of bucks!!
Keep calm and watch me put all of your "Keep Calm" shirts in bleach.
I would be at your side through anything, exepct a marathon.... screw that.
Her: Real men like curves. Me: No. Real men like whatever the (bleep) they want.
Sorry I almost knocked over your toddler Mr Shouty, but as you can see I'm trying to rollerblade and take a selfie.
I was surprised by how poorly attended my high school reunion was until I rememberd the graduation day bear attack.
Human beings can be such a$$holes to each other.
Nothing says clinically insane quite like having Multiple Facebook Accounts.
Does a redhead with whiskey in her pocket qualify as rye n ginger?
Excuse me but are these coffins gluten-free?
Guy, EVERYONE. Listen. I'm going to say two words that will change your lives. Pizza Tacos. I know. Just breath.
I would rather be known in life as a honest sinner than as a lying hypocrite. 