Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I was sat on the side of the bed last night pulling off my boxers... When the wife said to me, "Please don't do that to the dogs!"

   Whenever I see a girl in a glittery shirt I think to myself, "Ooh! What a sparkly nightmare of need."

   Women are just like Hurricanes, because when they come they're wet & wild! And when they leave they're taking the house and car!!!

   Being poor is never a reason to hate the rich. You can learn from them, wish & try to be like them, but envy means you have a rotten soul.

   I just read that Stevie Wonder is filing for divorce. Talk about getting blindsided!

   Why dont you ever see people standing on corners holding homeless signs when its raining out.....Cause them muther fckers are at home

   I knew I had a serious p orn addiction when I told the turkey to "take it b itch" as I rammed the stuffing in with a closed fist.

   The reason why it's so hard to understand Rachel Jeantel at the Zimmerman trial is not because she's uneducated, it's because she has multiple necks. So it just takes a lil longer for her words to travel.

   Since the Statue of Liberty was a gift from France, I'm surprised she didn't come with both arms raised....Have a Happy 4th of July!

   Bored??.. Text random numbers the following: The courthouse has your name in the newspaper for a failure to appear for jury duty this is the 24 hour number for you to check 714-319-7020. You're welcome! :)

   Hold your horses. It's hard realizing you're a horse and not a unicorn or a zebra. Console your horses. Tell them they're good enough.

   If you only see one movie this summer, I suggest seeing more. Movies are great.

   I'm not sure how people get eaten by sharks... I mean how do you not hear the music?

   When you see your girl out in public with another guy, one of yall 3 are supposed to die in that encounter.

   Ben Affleck is Batman. Hugh Jackman is Wolverine. Proves that comic books aren't gay, but movies are.

   Apple/Google store just came out with a new app called "Find My I-plane"

   RESEARCH: Tin foil hat club. Too much time on hands club. Lives in parents basement club.

   If you can listen to Dire Straits "Sultans of Swing" and not play the air guitar, then you my friend have no soul!

   I thought I was wrong once but I was mistaken.

   If I were a QB in the NFL, I'd throw the ball as far as I can on every play... And do lots of hip thrusts... And wear my cup on the outside.