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Jack Frost nipped my nose, so I hit him in the snowballs! 
bored of thinking of funny things to write in status and isn't going to bother this time
ending every sentence with "I'm Batman" instantly makes everything you say sound bad ass."
84 yr old Queen Elizabeth just started a facebook page. I'm going to poke her.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
finds it satisfyingly funny that the initials for Valentine's Day are "V.D."
Some people wait their entire life for their ship to come in..not realizing that they are standing in an airport...
Hmmmmm,, You walk to the back of the dry cleaner's,,,,, and it's just a bunch of cats licking your shirts.
Whoever let women in the army, I salute you. Women on their period, with a gun... Unstoppable!
Romney or Obama....Romney or Obama. I'm just now getting the chance to vote. I LOVE living in Florida.
. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth. ; )
You think Zelda would be a lot more "appreciative" of Link for saving her. The boy went through like 7 dungeons & caves, at least give him the sex he deserves.
Rule number five... Show no love. Love will get you killed.
Some People are Morning People, I am a Never People. *
If I start babbling its the Nyquil....if I start a bonfire at 3am it's the vodka
Useing the bathroom in Taco Bell, an the guy in the stall next to me has some bad diarrhea, stank'in up the place...I almost couldn't eat my last super burrito!
So I think Cris Christie and Obama driving around to look at bridges is O.K.,,, but when do they start solving crimes?
I use my girlfriend's ass to clean the pee off the seat.
Buying a ugly fat chick a purity ring is like putting a fence around a dog with no legs
Fun Fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, "Marco" and then an even fainter, "Polo." 