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I’ve assigned genders to lollipops to make absolutely everyone uncomfortable 
I'm on hold with my bank and the recording says "Did you know you can access our website 24 hours a day?" No, I had no idea. I thought your website went "off the air" at midnight like a 70's TV station...
... Isn't it nice to know that anyone can grow up and become "individual 1."
My new coffee mug now says "Don't even talk to me until I've had my paycheck".
Vaping doesn't kill people, people kills people.
I wish there were no women football announcers. Isn't there a badminton channel they can get a gig with?
Secret Service laptop with highly sensitive information on it has been stolen, Kellyanne Conway blames her microwave.
BREAKING: Vladimir Putin gives Devin Nunes an 'attaboy.'
I love sitting with her at night, holding hands, imagining life without her.
A good and funny punishment for any man who hits a woman is to be thrown in a cage full of hungry lionesses. Those b itches don't play.
If you're undecided...vote for the one that held the most babies...
if Big Foot's actually existed don't you think someone would've found a skeleton by now??
We have 187 friends in common and I still have no idea who you are...
Oh crap... you said laser tag? I thought it was taser tag. Well hopefully that kid wakes up soon... sorry about that.
im gonna be late for work tomorrow!!! if they ask why I'm late.. I'll tell them... last night I realized that my family was a priority. so I woke up them up and we chilled.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but just one screw to fill it.
My wife said I have to stop watching Chopped after I packed our son's lunchbox with wild ostrich, candy corn, avocado & rainbow chard.
So what your saying Chick-Fil-A, you will not be sponsoring Men's Olympic Racewalking.
There's a difference between leaving her unsatisfied and hungry for more.
apparently just having one of those days....tonight is definitely going to be sponsored by Coors light!! 