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"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." -Dave Barry 
I told her dont be mad but I'm leaving just as fast as I came!
When we run into an ex, we always play "Who Won?" And in our minds, we always won.
A beer lover is born with a beer compass within. He always knows where to find it!
They truly don't make movies like they use too...When I was a kid movies had values, morals and ethics...And without these great movies how would I have ever known that I "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead"...
"I'd like to thank my celebrity life-coaches Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen, Nicholas Cage, Wesley Snipes, & Nick Nolte for the overwhelming positive effect they've had on my recent life."
I know what love is..Thats like someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a damn cactus. The tighter you hold on, the more it hurts.
It must really suck to be a podium salesman. "Are your arms tired out from holding five pieces of paper?" You need a podium!
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.
The higher you put your hopes, the more it hurts when they fall.
closer than he appears in your rearview mirror.
Michael Jackson may be dead, but his dance moves live through rip-offs of Justin Bieber and Usher
My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them
March 4th. I like tomorrows date because it's like i'm telling people what to do.
NEWS ALERT!!! Jack Bauer was the one who 'double tapped' Bin Laden.
..that WINNING but than instant LOSER feeling you get when a girl sends you a sexy pic, and you look at the message details only to find that their are 9 other numbers above yours...awkward...
I hate it that I can't bounce a tic tac on my pencil...
what was that saying from that commercial from the '70's...don't mess with mother nature.
I used to spend anywhere between $90-$200 on ed hardy shirts..now I use them as rags to clean my car... smh
The awkward moment when you try to end a conversation with "your mum" and they reply "that's what she said"...
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