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Realizing that most human behavior can be related to that of the spermatozoa in which they came from. Everyone has to be first, in front, next in line. Look folks, you made it to the egg first, you're here now, just f***ing relax already! 
Just noticed a sign on a pub door saying Guide Dogs Only. Possibly the most niche pub ever.
If you come into my office smelling like sweet and sour chicken, there's a 33% chance I will lick you if these HR complaints are accurate.
Every time I consider being healthy, I remember pizza.
"We would have broke-up alot sooner, but we have 46 mutual Facebook friends and a bunch of new restaurants were opening up..."
I've never slowly walked backwards in my home, which I credit as the only reason I've never been attacked by maniacs.
now that Zuckerberg is married, if he divorces does she get the "face" half or the "book" half
Sometimes women look at menus like they've never seen or heard of food before.
I'm so tired, I just spent 5 minutes trying to figure out how to vote for Ron Paul on the self-checkout machine at the grocery store.
you know you're getting old when you're nuts are now referred to as "yams"
After all the upsets today. Cathy from the mailroom is gonna win a $hitload of money off her "Bracket thingy" this year..
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
A Hitler 'stache aint cool bro, esp when its just your nose hairs
I have just hired 2 private investigators to follow each other..... Let the games begin.
I've got Alexander Graham Bells telephone number....... 1-
Idiots who post pics of food or alcohol they are about to consume, stop it!!!
If there is one thing that women have taught me... Is that it is OK to eat dessert before the main course! ;)
On my first day of pre-school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery... There I was...all alone....surrounded by trees and bushes.
What if we're all being punked, and Tupac was always a hologram?
Dr. Dre has changed the name of his album from Detox to Unicorn. We can only assume it's because it's something that no one is ever gonna actually see 