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No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening 
If you're not blowing chunks of wedding cake out of your nose for 3 days after the wedding, ,, are you even technically married?
Parents, your kids are growing up "too" fast, not to fast...
Chain letters via FB inbox, is a great way to promote viruses, not awareness for prostate cancer..... Stop Inbox Chain letters!!
You can not use the 5 second rule when you drop a hotdog on the floor if you have a 3 second dog.
"Waiter, how do you prepare your lobsters?" "Nothing special. We just them straight out that they are going to die."
It finally happened. Dogs are getting in on the gender neutrality thing. While I was walking my dog this morning, she lifted her leg to whiz on a tree.
If NFL players wanted free speech, then why don't they protest the fines they pay for end zone celebrations?! Hypocrites!
I'm more excited than a long line of f@t ladies in the grocery store express lane that have their arms filled with Halo Top Diet Ice Cream on a buy one get one free special.
My wife says I am paranoid.. of course that's what I'd expect an undercover CIA agent to say..
Raisin Cookies that look like Chocolate Chip cookies are the main reason I have serious trust issues.
At the Dr. office today. Either someone is wearing cotton candy scented lotion or a #unicorn peed in this corner.
We Are More Brilliant Than Einstein And Newton.. It's Just that ...They Didn't Leave Anything For Us To Invent
Never changing the oil in my car ever again! #NoDAPL
"Water is Life"? Don't you remember the time it tried to drown you?
Listening to terrestrial radio nowadays is the equivalent to plugging into someone else's IPod.
PRO TIP : EX-LAX AND SLEEPING PILLS DON'T MIX
I hope you all have a prosperous New Year … I may have to borrow money.
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE 2 GUYS THAT STOLE A CALENDER ? THEY BOTH GOT 6 MONTHS!!!
I don't always floss, but when I do it's in the dentist's office when the hygienist does it.. 