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I suggested to a girl who listed her relationship as "It's Complicated", to allow me come over and add to the complication. 
today was a female canine kind of a day!
sometimes I think love is like bigfoot......other people claim they have seen it & experienced it but I don't think I ever will
I would never argue with a female I'm not sleeping with.
Potty training my toddler was easy. It was teaching her to hold a phone and scroll through Twitter that was hard.
If you're not having a blast, you're doing life wrong.
Apparently today is Mother-In-Law day. Who knew
Vacation's over. Downside? Fewer status messages for you. Upside? Less me.
The most productive and efficient thing about me is my liver
How many calories does avoiding responsibility burn? Asking for a friend.
Chivalry never goes out of style. Open doors, pull out chairs, and offer to undo your own belts.
The world is our oyster (aphrodisiacs) which means the world makes us horny. and that is why it is perfectly natural that we should have sex right here, right now, and yet, in spite of the validity of my argument, this pickup line does not work.
Give me enough booze and I can be anybody's spirit animal.
When you decide to not talk bad about people, it really shortens the conversation
thinks you should take up jogging!! Zombies hate fast food.
Let me raise a glass in your honor so I can smash it against your head.
I've done a lot of stuff to see beautiful women naked....but Twitter has got to be the most labor intensive
First it was the infamous bus driver uppercut. Again another bus driver, gets into an altercation with another young girl, this time over loud music. Good idea for a game consult?
to you it's a 6 pack... to me.... it's a support group
Don't steal things you don't need or want, like hearts. 