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girls with flat chests and guys with hips deserve each other.......its only fair. 
The awkward moment...When you see someone wearing a skirt that looks like it could be a belt
People say I am so cruel, but I have the heart of a small child...in a jar on my desk...
So today is officially the first day of Spring! Just think, only a mere 277 more days till Winter arrives again...
This isn't hell. This is where you get sent when you've been bad in hell.
If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
I love it when I drop my iPod and my headphones save it's life!
Sex is like pizza. When it's good, it's good. But when it's bad... it's still pretty good!
I'm Not Lazy. Someone Just Stole My Motivation. I'm the Victim here!!!
If a guy treats you like a princess, he was obviously raised by a queen. If he treats you like crap, well..he was raised by someone along the lines of michael vick.
Breaking News: A woman with a suspicious looking cold sore on her lip just tried to kiss me on the cheek. Don't worry, I am okay. I stiff armed her!
Hard to believe we once all had phones physically attached to a wall. When it rang we'd pick it up without knowing who was calling… And it did not send or receive text messages... How Amazing! We all survived those times and we're still alive…
If your girlfriend complains that you never take her anywhere expensive.. Take her to the Gas Station.
TIP: A quick way to get your kids out of bed is to go in their room and shout, "What the Heck?!! There are deer in our backyard!! "
Attention to all my lady Facebook friends; Posting pics of you and your men kissing and frolicking is one sure way to get deleted.
Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But shout it at them German, Because life is also terrifying and confusing.
When my Mrs left I was sad & lonely :( Since then, I've got a dog, shagged 2 women & blown a £1000 on booze & cocaine. She'll go mental when she gets in from work!!
Every time someone tells me Happy Holidays, I just want to deck their halls....with a roundhouse kick to the face.....
Fellas: Never let your woman talk you into painting her nails. You might as well give her your balls too.
there once was a man from Peru, who fell asleep in a canoe. He dreamed of a genie, that tickled his weiny. And woke up with a hand full of goo.
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