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I find elevator music to be very uplifting. Unless I'm going down. 
Some people find themselves spending more time on their ex's FB page more then they spent time on their ex period.
If you don't see Snowden as a hero please unfriend me,. Save me the trouble of finding out later that your just effin sheep of the media.
I've been thinking about this all morning. "Sir, why did you shoot me?" "I don't know." This is insanity. #CharlesKinsey
I have paid Tim Kaine to jack off my dog for entertainment purposes as recent as March of 2016
My mother inlaw standing in front of a mirror: "I feel fat and ugly." . Me to make her feel better: "Well at lease your eye sight is good."
Hey everyone. Remember to leave out a riffle and some Budweiser, this 4th of July eve, or Kid Rock won't bring you any fireworks.
Dude seriously drew his own own projected hurrican lines like a third grader changing a F into a B on his report card.
I tore my ACL at the Sizzler buffet
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today! I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Mother Nature gave man a set of balls solely to propagate the species. God gave man a set of balls solely for scratching.
Whoever came up with the slogan Diamonds are Forever, obviously never had herpes.
Chicks with nice b( . )( . )bs always seem to say the right things.
Jeff Sessions said marijuana is only slightly less awful than heroin, which is like saying chocolate is only a bit better than the holocaust.
I guess I missed the chapter in "The Art of the Deal" about getting rejected by the Freedom Caucus.
Just so you know, only looking out for yourself and abandoning everyone else isn't very Christian like. You know that's true.
"I am the way, the truth and the lasagna." - Cheeses of Nazareth
My TV got hacked at Superbowl halftime. I saw a Puerto Rican Strip Club on Spanish language channel, old crotch grabbin' hussies.
It started with a Bat. Then toilet paper. Now we are going nuts in quarantine. We really have gone Bat $#!t Crazy!
If you think that the Kendall Jenner commercial is the worst thing Pepsi ever created, let me remind you that Pepsi also makes Mountain Dew. 