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To ease my mind, I just pretend the Die Hard sequels were written and directed by Hans Gruber as he fell from Nakatomi Plaza. 
The Home Office have declined my passport renewal on the grounds they cannot except 'It's complicated' as a marital status.
I just want somebody that I can hangout with and play on my phone next to all day.
Saw a man with a phone in a holster strapped to his belt, he did not admit I'm quite sure he's from the Old testament part of the bible.
JAB. I'd of been a success by now if my mind would of come up with a trillion dollar idea already. . .
I hate it when someone says 'Get on my level', cause how do I know what level you're on? Do I go up or down? Because I'm on level 78.
Hitting the snooze button is like hitting the “Next Episode” button on Netflix… it’s going to happen at least 3 times.
Trying to fight my way out of a paper bag. Gonna make it best two out of three.
You know I have friend-zoned you when I call you "Sister" and we are not even related.
Bed (n) – a workbench for lovers
what good is my android when my toilets in a dead zone
Spent a week on a dating website. Apparently “LOL” is the new “I'm too stupid to have real thoughts…”
I've tried listening, comforting and giving concrete solutions to your problem. Nothing worked. Is it me or your endless PMS?
Flying free & wrecklesly, Til someone picked up the fly swatter!
I sure am hungry. I wonder if Chili's has an app for that??
Does that grudge come in all ages or is it one size fits all?
The only pain that brings my soul to its knees is hers.
If Mariah Carey can give birth to twins and still reclaim her toned tummy, surrely I can also get rid of this holiday season beer gut and reclaim my six pack.
I like big brains and I can not lie.
FYI: Every year the Justice League puts kryptonite candles on Superman's birthday cake,, just to fool him into thinking he's getting too old.. 