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Why do people always make jokes insinuating that people who use crayons are crazy? I like my crayons! Especially the blue one. It makes my poo purple 
Spiders - because men need to feel useful.
Ever thrown a cat into a swimming pool? Same thing happens when you think a woman is mad and ask “are you mad?”
Eat a banana lengthwise if you don't want anyone to sit by you.
There's no such thing as a straight guy with a bedazzled cellphone.
We live in a world of smart phones and dumb people!
In 30 years, it will be 1/23/45. Carry On.
I am getting pretty low on Girl Scout Cookies.... Threat Level: Orange
I know you are orgasaming, but I'm pretty sure God had nothing to do with it... so if you can maybe yell my name, that'd be great.
My wife worked my a$$ off yesterday. It's still laying out in the yard somewhere.
Does anyone know if oral $ex is Gluten free. Asking for a friend. . .
Bernie Sanders said recently that he loves taking selfies. Well ... once he figures out how to take them on his rotary phone that is.
I'm not saying you're lazy, but you should try out for “American Idle"
My dad never loved me as a child, you can't really blame him though I wasn't born until he was an adult.
I was at a bar lasy night where the women were so ugly, it took 50 shades of grey goose to make them look good.
Friends are like condoms. They are always there to protect you when things get hard.
I don't ever wanna get married, because I believe in Freedom of Speech.
pulled over by the cops and they asked me if I had been drinking. I asked, "Why, is there a fat girl in the back?" He said, "Nope, there's two." I said, "Well, I guess I have!"
Funny text messages to send! 1. Those innocent eyes, those kissable lips, that beautiful smile, that sexy voice.. anyway enough bout me, how are you;)?
Roses are red, vi0lets are fine...I'll be the 6, if you be the 9 