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Day 8 Today I'm thankful for my drug dealer 
"Really???" - Barbie, the first time she saw Ken without pants
I blew my nose and then wiped my ass on the same piece of toilet paper. Your move Al Gore
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel Caveman2: what we do now? Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
If I live to be 100, I'm going to make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people... like I copied and pasted the same staus every single day.
Clint Eastwood hasn't voted yet, he's still trying get his ottoman to stop talking back to him.
Not to get technical ...but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.
I wish I could of been locked up in a basement for 10 years. I could of missed Jersey Shore and that whole Bieber Fever thing!!
all these crazy a$$ nuts with guns are making the gun nuts look bad...
Dear Santa .all I want for Xmas is ur naughty list.
EDGE ▂ ▃ ▅ ▆ █
My ex girlfriend auditioned for American idol. She said if she got through, she would be on "Cloud 9". I told her she was more suited for "Destrict 9"
wants you to know that if a jelly fish ever stung you, I'd pee on you!
I like my women like I like my coffee...hot and bitter!
If con is the opposite of pro, what's the opposite of progress?
Crappy Ending (n): When a 45-minute massage ends with a police investigation.
Dear you people. Why are you crying about the Home Alone 2 cut which was done in 2014???? Are you people really proud of being stupid?
Passed out at 9pm. Woke up 10:30pm to sound of wife's vibrator. Went back to sleep.
Today marks the anniversary of the death of The Notorious BIG. Dinner tonight will consist of t-bone steak, cheese, eggs and Welch's grape.
I'm pretty Fry for a Rice guy. 