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The best thing about becoming a parent is that you don't have to pay $50 to get peed on anymore. 
I'm not sure teenagers understand that by having unproteced sex, you can catch aweful diseases. And not only kids, but STD's too!
Elon Musk (President of Tesla Motors) needs to change his name. He sounds like a new fragrance from Pierre Cardin.
I hate it when I have a bunch of company over and I don't have enough cholophorme for all of them and I have to use it on myself.
Breaking news: 50 Cent is looking to play a gig for Nickleback.
I get called into cat-boss office,,, *Boss staring intensely at red dot on wall... "Cancel all my appointments I'm not to be disturbed".... "Yes Sir."
Time is the only real enemy......* JK. It’s spiders.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that's just me flirting
let my personalities out for a night...I woke up with two hookers, a penguin, a pineapple, five teeth missing, and a tattoo that read "I'M FREE".
Monday's aren't bad.. You just hate your job
We don't care about your taste in women and cups of coffee. Thank you.
Before Facebook, I used to write this stuff on slips of paper and put them in the pockets of unsold pants at Old Navy.
My girl friend says she may move out because of my obsession with TV dramas. But will she really leave me......Find out next week!
***LATEST SOCIAL MEDIA GAME~~~ Inbox me your Bank Account or Credit Card number (be sure to give me the expiration date and 3 digit security code) and I will post in my status which bill or Christmas gift I used it for. Let's play!!!
you know your not much of a Christmas shopper anymore, when your still using some of the same wrapping paper you had 3 years ago . 🎁 🎁🎁 🎁
If anyone needs help eating those cookies. Let me know.
I wanna be the reason you shake your head, even if it is in disgust.
Oreos dont ask silly questions....oreos just understand.
I just heard that my ex-wife has started dating again,,, and here I am with no popcorn.
Divorce because consideration has an expiration date. 