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The pet shop owner told me the bird cage wasn't made out of nickel. I guess that makes it a Nickeless Cage. 
Going forward, they now be called the New England PayForIts.
Don't be so hard on Melania. It's not like that high school dropout who got by on her looks and married rich ever took shortcuts in life.
The reason for this massive heat wave in the States is that we have two of Satans biggest spawns running for president.
.. Turns out it's true that Malia Obama was smoking a joint .... But so what? .... What's the big deal ... Her father does it too.
I once dated a woman who punched me in the face ever time she'd climax. I freaked when I discovered she was faking them.
Jerk chicken is like regular chicken except he goes around with a backwards baseball cap and calls everyone "chief."
This Coronavirus is putting me through Purell.
Women will get equal pay once they are willing to pick up the check at dinner.
Anti hate groups protest hate groups for wanting to take away people's rights, by taking away their rights. That kids is a mental illness.
First it was a wall. Then a fence. Now it's 20,000 boxes propped up with sticks. And a taco under each one.
Ladies; Stop wearing weaves, lice deserve to live in their natural habitat!
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.
Humans have driven animals such as the Rhino to instinction, so when thousands of humans murder each other or perish in a natural disaster, thats just karma doing its job.
A marriage is like a deck of cards. In the begining all you need is a diamond and a heart, by the end you wish you had a F'n club and a spade
Lets be honest here. If Ben Affleck as Batman ruined your weekend, there wasn't much to ruin in the first place.
Christmas will be here sooner than you think. Forget the gifts and commercialization, make it a time to be Merry. Unless you live in San Francisco....then make it a time to be Mary.
Too sick to get out of bed, the batteries in the remote control died while channel surfing, and now the TV is stuck on a SpongeBob SquarePants marathon. Oh death, where is thy sting?
I want to have kids because I think I'd look really good in pictures with them.
I'm that guy that carries a boombox on his shoulder at funerals with "Circle of Life" ready to play in case a pregnant woman gives birth. 