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There's no way I'm ever eating Thanksgiving leftovers again straight out of the fridge. Yes, that's right. I quit cold turkey. 
I listened to today's music. It's nothing more than computer generated sampled effects and pieced together bit by bit blurbs of insincerity with auto-tuned vocals. Might as well listen to a power point presentation.
Me to my son: "Hey, look at this article. It says, 'Vaccines are ready to roll, thanks to beeyotch." My son: "That word is 'biotech', dad."
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch....
Minorites "we have issues we need help with" Corporations "ok, we hear you, you want diverse MnMs
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
The pet shop owner told me the bird cage wasn't made out of nickel. I guess that makes it a Nickeless Cage.
Going forward, they now be called the New England PayForIts.
Don't be so hard on Melania. It's not like that high school dropout who got by on her looks and married rich ever took shortcuts in life.
The reason for this massive heat wave in the States is that we have two of Satans biggest spawns running for president.
.. Turns out it's true that Malia Obama was smoking a joint .... But so what? .... What's the big deal ... Her father does it too.
I once dated a woman who punched me in the face ever time she'd climax. I freaked when I discovered she was faking them.
Jerk chicken is like regular chicken except he goes around with a backwards baseball cap and calls everyone "chief."
This Coronavirus is putting me through Purell.
Women will get equal pay once they are willing to pick up the check at dinner.
Anti hate groups protest hate groups for wanting to take away people's rights, by taking away their rights. That kids is a mental illness.
First it was a wall. Then a fence. Now it's 20,000 boxes propped up with sticks. And a taco under each one.
Ladies; Stop wearing weaves, lice deserve to live in their natural habitat!
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.
Humans have driven animals such as the Rhino to instinction, so when thousands of humans murder each other or perish in a natural disaster, thats just karma doing its job. 