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Walking into your closet not knowing whenever it'll be Monsters Inc. or Narnia 
If I enter a town and the # on the population sign doesn't immediately increase, I have no choice but to make things right.
some @$$hole said I'm not a ppl person
the only way you can be better than me is that you actually wrap yourself in bacon
I like you because you leave a "Thank you" note and a sandwich on the dresser after our 1 night stand.
Think about it this way: Due to all of the successes Steve Jobs had, news of his death is spreading faster than it ever could have. That's what I call a life's accomplishment.
She's been pounded more times than Johnny Bench's catchers mitt
I lost my balance crawling into bed and leaned my head on the ceiling to prevent from falling over.
I don't want it to seem like I'm trying to get rid of you, but GO AWAY!!
thinks, therefore I am...suffering from a headache!
I was just looking through my spam email when I saw this advert. "Pen1s Enlargement - 80% off". That doesn't sound like an enlargement to me!
A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.
A bunch of pro bowlers played a football game last night... wow, what an impressive bunch of two-sport athletes!
If I spent as many hours learning how to play guitar as I do on Facebook, I'd be ready to take over from Gary Moore by now. RIP mate :(
No my child, you may not have a cheese, peanut butter, fluff and cookie sandwich. Why? Because its just flat out disturbing that you thought those would make a great sandwich
wonders if shaving one's head make one truly aerodynamic and thereby fuel efficient? And - can I claim that as a deduction on my taxes?
I purposely mess up there, their, and they're just to piss people off.
I spy on my girlfriend to make sure she doesn't cheat by cutting two eye-holes in a massive newspaper. I'm so behind the times.
If love isn't a game, then why are there so many players ?
Today I didn't know what to do- the devil on my shoulder pushed my angel off other shoulder but just a moment ago the angel came back with a baseball bat! 