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Prostate cancer. What color bracelet do I buy to support you? 
Blonde sluts out here think STD stands for "Suck that d*ck"
Breaking News: Tigers around the world have united to argue the point that Charlie Sheen must be on illegal drugs. They claim that they have tiger's blood flowing in their veins and they don't act that crazy.
My parents are gone! I should do something crazy that I'm not allowed to do!... *Drinks milk straight from the carton*.... God I'm so badass.
Hey, I'm tweeting from inside a car wash! I wonder if my phone will still work if I roll down the win
She waited at the photo counter, yearning in her eyes, as she told herself, "someday my prints will come."
Just put my money where my mouth is. Pennies taste disgusting.
I wonder why Representative Weiner is waiting so long to pull out?
Its Sunday....Sunday. It comes after Saturday!!!!
Today is just one of them days I rather be watching porn....all day
the best part of waking up on Sunday morning after heavy [artying on a Saturday night, is the ability to pee in two different directions at the same time.
It was like throwing a hotdog down a hallway.
Say no to drugs. Although, if you're talking to drugs, it may be too late.
I keep a jar labelled "HIV Virus" in my jacket so when someone tries to fight me, I show it to them and throw it at their feet and run.
THE POWER OF THE WINKY FACE: "Hey, Want some of my banana? :)" ... "Hey, Want some of my banana? ;)"
just stepped in a huge pile of dog sh!t...smelled so bad, I just left my shoe in it and walked home in my sock
I wasnt that drunk...... "Dude, you asked me to give you a ride home & the party was at your house"
wants you to know that these are in fact Bugle Boy jeans he's wearing.
i'm not a back buner meal for no one,, i'm the main course or you don't eat...
Be quite brain or I will stab you with a Q-tip 