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You're so fat I can hear you breathing through the Internet. 
Ya know, those JP Wentworth commercial are lies! I spent 3 hrs yelling out my window "Its MY money and I want it now!!" Only thing I got was ticket for disturbing the peace!
you know why you would never hear a pteradactyl in the bathroom? because the P is silent. <badoom crash!>
Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant." And I know happy days are around the corner. --daniel tosh
♫ Loving you is easy because you're slightly attractive and I've been drinking a lot, doot-n-doot-n-do-doo Ah.... ♫
if George Takei starts asking a lot of questions does he become "curious George"?
Boy, if it keeps snowing, someone's gonna haveta shovel the darn driveway. I think I'll text her ツ
I think I'll score with the girl I met today. She told me I was very offensive!!
Still too Drunk to Update her status
leaving you breathless.......by choking you!
At the peak of the storm, the shallowness of the root structure is revealed.
You can't have manslaughter without laughter!
says if you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space
We have now reached that time of year when we look at the clock and say, OMG it is only 8 oclock????
A glow worm is never glum… Because, how can you be grumpy when the sun shines out of your bum?
Emo is to music, what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
Dude!!! I don't play, I quit school because of recess!
Whoever's in charge of telling old men when they have weird, long hairs growing out of their eyebrows/ears should be fired.
heard some thunder yesterday & it wasn't even raining. I guess what I'm really trying to say here is that Stevie Nicks is full of crap.
at this moment in time I could really punch someone in the face 