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Here's a pretty good sign that you've had too much to drink on St. Patrick's Day: you wake up the next morning and you look in the mirror and you've got that blue 2000 Flushes mustache. 
Lol religious people are nuts
They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
I follow my wife around with my XBox controller in my hand while she cooks and cleans, I call it SIM B*tch!!
Blonde goes to the doctor very upset..."i have these dark circles under my eyes n no matter how much sleep I get they wont go away"....."maam, those r ur nostrils" @_@
Looks like Steve Jobs is on his iCloud.
I've just put a deposit down on a Porsche and mentioned it on Twitter. I can't understand why the Americans are so upset. All I said was, "I can't wait for the new 911." However, 4000 Pakistanis are now following me.
If you're panicking about ebola going airborne , just remember that this means you believe in evolution.
I like to help my children think up cruel nicknames for the other kids at their school.
While you're ignoring that someone special, someone else is grabbing their attention.
"in your Facebook account, deleting your friends"
INTERVIEW WITH NAS: Stephen Colbert: Your ex-wife is Kelis ryt? Nas: thats right. Stephen Colbert: Was yo divorce due to the fact that her milkshake brought all the boys to the yard?
All you ladies in full support of G@Y rights; Its all fun and games until your man comes out of the closet or you lose your man to another guy.
A good friend knows how you take your coffee. A great friend adds booze.
say what you will about Usain Bolt, but I still say he'd make an outstanding purse snatcher
Just brushing my teeth & putting on deodorant when out of nowhere I hear, "You're going to have to pay for that!" This Wal-Mart sucks.
It's not "honey boo boo" it's "honey moo moo" it's fat got some mad cow disease so let's take it out back and kill it!
It's national pancake day! Small breasted women are FINALLY happy!
'Sri Lanka Vs West Indies' cricket match tomorrow. Kindly adjust contrast and brightness on your Television sets before watching
Given that he's a wrestler, do you think Hulk Hogan was "REALLY" having sex on that tape? 