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celebrating Sheen-co de Mayo with some Tiger Blood! 
I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.
You need space? WOW. I never knew you were an astronaut.
It's funny to me when people say all blondes are dumb because not all guys are blondes!?!?!
If I get pulled over in Arizona and the cop says "Papers" and I say "Scissors", do I win?
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.,
"I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol."
Voting is like pressing the walk button at an intersection. It doesn't change anything, but if you wait long enough you'll get the white guy
Obama approval hits 60%,most of that approval is that he is finally GONE.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn't act the way he wanted.
If you take god out of religion, it's just a bunch of people hoping their favorite football team wins.
To be (horny) or not to be, that is the erection.
Okay kids don't ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger's houses except on the day we worship the devil.
UK - We call it Autumn, from the French word "autompne" and later, the Latin "autumnus" USA - WE CALL IT FALL BECAUSE LEAF FALL DOWN
The Burger King mascot, and the KFC mascot walk into a bar.... Everyone leaves because they're so creeped out.
Do vegan mothers ever breast feed their babies?
"Don't be afraid to walk away. Make crazy claims you can't back up. Blame everyone else. Whine. Sit in a big truck." -- The Art of the Deal
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Juan Valdez is more Patriotic then the Clintons
People all upset about someone not standing while wearing hats about how America sucks and voting a draft dodger. 