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Whoever invent Hallway Swimming....go Twerk a HarlemShake sit down and Plank your Owls self somewhere! - 
Life is a terminal illness. Nobody gets out of here alive.
Penguins probably never get invited to Pig Roasts or other cool parties because they're always dressed so formal.
I had a Doc telll me I had a fatty liver. How rude! Now I always ask my Wife: "Honey, do these jeans make my liver look fat?"
"I never say never." Liars...
Tell your girlfriend she’s beautiful everyday or your kid will end up having the gardener’s nose.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
I think Christmas is cats favorite holiday. A big tree to climb on complete with all kinds of things that you can whap onto the floor.
Well the pandemic unemployment is coming to an end here shortly so guess it’s time to get back to work, all these companies are all after me so shouldn’t be hard - electric company, fuel company, telephone company
I don't really care which baseball teams stand for the National Anthem inasmuch as I wish they'd make the game a little less boring. The national pastime is past its time.
People always write "Congrats" in their FB posts because most don't know how to spell "Kongrajulashins".
Unemployment Offices just emailed me to be a truck driver. I can’t drive a vehicle let alone a transformer
Apparently my wife was just tying her shoe, and didn't want to play leapfrog
Betting on the Kentucky Derby is like paying for a hooker. You drop a load of cash on two minutes of excitement.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Okay, I've decided to come clean. The reason I sit at the kids' table on Thanksgiving is just so I can hide the green bean casserole under my grandson's plate.
The greatest comedians don't say funny things, they say things funny.
Getting clothes for Christmas is like getting vegetables for your birthday. Yeah, you need them, but that doesn't make them appropriate. 