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When I need you, I just close my eyes and down some painkillers with a glass of vodka on the rocks- and suddenly I don`t need you anymore. 
My son's Parrot just tweeted about his current living conditions!
Why are the same people that complain about all the Wal Marts okay with a Starbucks on every block??
I wonder if werewolves in london howl with a proper accent
You lost me at 'sober friends only', you unrealistic douche.
Shouldn't love handles really be called hate handles since nobody really wants them?
You can't control love. That's the best and worst part of it.
I live for the nights I can't remember with the people I'll never forget
Sometimes I wonder if I'm being selfish by using my voice to just sing in the car instead of to save the music industry..
They need to put more spider poison in these air freshners .
I FINALLY got a new i-phone,, and for those wondering how long it would take to get chocolate smudged in it?? Shut-up.
I heard India is going to outsource Electrical Grids from the US !
Since when are chinese people tall and buff?? :O
The noblest of dogs of all dogs is the hot dog , It feeds the hand that bites it !!
You know you're getting old when you can't take a shower without peeing. Twice...
thinking of joining the Mortal Kombat tournament. I am pretty deadly with Hulk hands on.
When I say I love you, I do it with the same amount of sincerity with which a celebrity claims he loves all his fans. Zero.
The way kids are these days it won't be long till MTV has a show called tween mom.
I have something I want to put in your suggestion box.
Never really had the time to lick girl's faces to know my taste in women. 