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Says, the early bird gets the worm, but who wants a worm anyways? 
playing hide and seek with Osama Bin Laden. Damb he's good.
Allergy alert: This status may contain peanuts.
If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.
..is working on her bad intentions since the road to Hell is paved with good ones.
now in subsmission to the power of great stupidity
Life is like a box of chocolates... you never know when you'll find a nut.
Give a person an inch, they take a round trip flight across the country AND bill you for it.
wondering why the yellow brick road never ended?
never questions authority, he annoys authority. More effect, less effort.
He always has the same expression on his face; “only a mother could love.”
Fast food drive thru 5 me 0, can you get my order right please!
not easily offended and easily offends. Life is so unfair...
When is that 1/2 man on '2 and and 1/2 Men' going to officially become a man?
Solemnly Swears That He/She Is Up To No Good
I'm a middle-of-the-road kind of guy. Maybe that's why I get honked at all the time.
the man from nantucket.
When I'm texting with a girl I like and inviting her to join in my plans, I like to end the message with, "Want to come?" There's nothing like the inducement to get her to say yes.
Creepy drunken compliments are sometimes the price we pay for freedom!
can someone give me directions to the humor section please? 