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Before having sex with a woman finger her and put it to her nose if she jumps back, kick that b*tch out. 
The hot lady across the street had a seizure on her front lawn today. Her MILF shakes brought the paramedics to the yard.
Fortune Cookies Lie...
I can't wait for Biden's tell-all book to come out. It's titled "You know, the thing.."
saw on the news a black couple had a white baby. it wouldn't happen in China because two Wong's don't make a white.
YES!!! I knew it... The world will not end in 2012 - I just found a condom in my wallet that expires in 2013.
Rain with sunshine today... the devil must be beating his wife.
(don't)Touchdown(there), Penn State!!
I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.
remember when MTV actually stood for Music Television
If you love a cat, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours to keep.... If it doesn't, you drove far enough.
Next time you see a harmless bug, let it live. I have this crazy belief that living things should stay alive.
"Does this suicide bomb vest make me look fat?" ~ G@y Terrorist.
I'm like Crisco in a can. White, round and filled with fat.
I applied for a job at Bed Bath & Beyond. They put me in the Beyond department.
“I like smoking a pipe of sweet hemp.” – Abraham Lincoln
Taco bell always makes me wonder, who ate this burrito before I did.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea...if you add commas.
So you are changing your iPhone 5 with iPhone 6 just for an inch? Hope your girlfriend won't do the same.
Names of missing plane's pilots announced: Wer Ar Wi and No Wan No.... 