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remember when MTV actually stood for Music Television 
If you love a cat, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours to keep.... If it doesn't, you drove far enough.
Next time you see a harmless bug, let it live. I have this crazy belief that living things should stay alive.
"Does this suicide bomb vest make me look fat?" ~ G@y Terrorist.
I'm like Crisco in a can. White, round and filled with fat.
I applied for a job at Bed Bath & Beyond. They put me in the Beyond department.
“I like smoking a pipe of sweet hemp.” – Abraham Lincoln
Taco bell always makes me wonder, who ate this burrito before I did.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea...if you add commas.
So you are changing your iPhone 5 with iPhone 6 just for an inch? Hope your girlfriend won't do the same.
Names of missing plane's pilots announced: Wer Ar Wi and No Wan No....
Q) Why was the Snowman so happy? A) He saw the SnowBlower coming!!!!
Yahoo: More Americans convinced of climate change after extreme weather.... Ugh no maybe just your liberal writer thinks that. It's called summer, in 6 months the same person will write global warming again because its fcking cold out.
Lady Gaga preaching abstinence is like Lindsay Lohan preaching sobriety or Kermit the Frog preaching about your finger not smelling like pork.
I just learned of a new Bullsh!t double standard today For cops.. It is illegal as he!! for civilians to drive n talk on a cellphone without a hands free device, (which is a good Law).. But appearently cops are exempt from this law. How is that right?
has a dog with no legs named Cigarette. Everyday I put on his leash and take him out for a drag.
its the weekend so live it up, charge it down, puff it off, smash a line, blow out blind and destroy your mind!!
If I look like I'm being bashful chances are I'm just trying to cover my nose, because when you talk I can smell your teeth dying.
printing off a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills
Cruises: Floating Golden Corrals with drunk people. 