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This time of year there is always that one house that has like 15 of those inflatable Christmas lawn decorations. In the daytime it looks like there was a drive by shooting at the North Pole with no survivors. 
My smart watch is capable of displaying porn but no one thought to include image stabilization.
Most wolf attacks are triggered because they saw someone with a selfie stick.
Do you think our dogs ever get upset that we never lick them back?
It's raining so much in Texas that the animals are walking around in pairs
Water in Mars? Big deal... Call me when they find whiskey or beer.
It's like I tell my kids, "don't cry over spilled milk, cry over daddy's inability to keep up with our mortgage payments."
Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy sh*t we don't need
I opened up the window, and Influenza!
95% of my news feed is now agenda driven. The other 5% is: "There's a bed and a chair in a room. If someone enters the room, how many pancakes each did the seat cushion and the mattress eat?
Being old is like being young. When ur young, you have to wait after you eat to go swimming. When you're old, you have to wait after you take Viagra to have sex. Either way, you have to wait an hour before you can go for a "dip."
I joined the Flat Earth Society. I'm hoping they see my stomach the same way they see the planet.
2021 Reality Check: You're not actually expecting things to get any better at the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve, are you?
I celebrated 4/20 on 1/5 because I know how to reduce fractions.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Nothing like a little chloroform and some duct tape to hold a relationship together.
Congress' 2016 To-Do List: 1) Talk about Benghazi. 2) Write reports on Benghazi. 3) Talk more about Benghazi. 4) Take vacation. 5) Repeat.
I.S.I.S says if America elects Hillary the will donate $2 million to the Clinton Foundation and have Bill speak at their next function for another million.
The world steps aside for the man who knows where he is going.
Wearing your Oakleys backwards is a stylish way to let people know you're amped about giving them HPV. 