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Whenever I see a beautiful woman with a fat ugly guy I think: ''maybe he owns a panda.'' 
You can't be wise and in love at the same time.
What do we want? INDIFFERENCE! When do we want it? WHENEVER!
Had some dear friends come to me questioning my morels... I'll come clean... I really don't know what kind of mushrooms these are...
It's ironic.... but wouldn't you love to be......."Booby Trapped"
Granddad sure does love his baths - He's been in there for three days now.
Yes,, Grandchildren ARE our future,,, But they're ALSO the reason why there's a smooshed sandwich in my Pricey Blu-Ray player,,,,, Hmm, our future
Won a gold medal in the brolympics tonight for hooking up with the fat friend.
Your electric bill is not an acceptable topic of conversation.
Remember when you were younger that old guy at the pool that swam laps and yelled at all the kids to get off the ropes!!!
a guy at work has the whispering skills of Samuel L. Jackson.
Hell is just a place where they play Justin Bieber's music all day.
I was gonna tell my wife she sucks for not giving me an@l but then I realized she doesn't do that either.
For the first time in history a chinese product has come up with a one year warranty.......MISS WORLD 2012 is Miss China, who will hold the tag for at least an year
I saved a TON of money this year by remaining single this Holiday Season !
Since that very first time I laid my eyes on you, I knew in that moment that I wanted to spend the rest of my life... avoiding you.
Just saw a guy take the ice cream cone out of his kid's hand and started eating it, in case you're wondering how serial killers are made.
Why would two people admit they like each other when they can spend time playing "Let's see who texts the other person first" instead.
that Kim Kardashian has had more hands up her skirt than the Muppets.
believing Monday will be great is half the bottle... 